Morford's Musings is back in business

So I'm gonna finally follow through with my intentions on updating this thing. I haven't done anything with it since sometime before the break-up. Needless to say it's time to put some content into this thing. I'm also in one of those introspective moods where I need to either talk to someone or write something in one of theses where everyone will read it anyways. The latter would be the best idea seeing as how I hate bugging people with my problems and taking up their own time with my own complaints, thoughts, concerns, and issues. Anyways ... here it goes ....

Man ... so much shit has happened in the past four months. I never thought I could have had so many huge life events in that short of a period. *sighs* Lets go through them one-by-one shall we? First off, as I mentioned before, I broke it off with Han sometime around the second or third week in July. Why did I break up with her? I all honesty I don't know ... I really don't. The most I can do is speculate. I was so happy with her ... it was honestly the best time in my life. Then the little safety bubble that I had be shrouded in popped and gave me a few eye openers. See ... my dad asked my mom for a separation about a week before I broke up with Han. Now that I look back on it, it's almost ironic. Like father like son? Good god I hope not.

I was so confused ... and I still am. Practically everything in my life so far has deteriorated except some personal relationships. The only two family members that I really have any respect for anymore are my mom and sister. I used to be close to my aunt (one of my dad's two sisters) ... but I really don't know. During that whole time my mom would tell me things, my dad would tell me things, and then my aunt would try to protect my father. Why? Why would she want to protect him? Fuck it if he's her brother ... if my sister has issues I'll let her know. I'll always be there for Hana, but hell if she has issues I'm going to let her know. Basically everyone in my family hates each other right now. Most of it is old news, but it's still sad - very sad. Ever since my grandfather died and my grandmother had a stroke (she's now dead) my mom has been on edge with her sisters and her adopted brother. I won't get into specifics because I could write a whole other 3 or 4 pages just on that fiasco. My dad is one of 5 children. I know he's on good relations with one of them and sketchy relations with two of them. One of his brothers hates the world. I don't even know the man. I'm related to him but I haven't seen him since I was like 3 years old. Then there's the thing with my mom and my dad.

For the past four years my respect for my father has been dwindling, but it never completely evaporated until now. He and my mom had a few problems but I thought they were able to work through them. My mom suffers from migranes and she had an episode where the meds she took worked almost too well, making her go into a druken/coma type state. She would fall asleep standing up making dinner. There were times where my sister and I had to call my dad at work. My mom got over that episode and now functions on much much much more practical medicines. My dad then went through a period of alcoholism. When he came home from work, all he did was drink. He was able to get over that by giving up wine. Instead of having alcohol with dinner he would drink water. He made a comeback but he wasn't there. My mom told me, after they separated, that there were times in the past four years that my dad actually physically hit her. I do not care HOW fucking angry you are at your wife, your brother, sister, aunt, uncle, you name it. There is NO ... I reapeat NO fucking reason to hit a family member - especially one weaker than yourself. Hell the only reason you should hit a non-family member is out of self-defense. When she told me that I wanted to go give the fucking bastard a taste of his own medicine. Unfortunately, I inherited my father's temper. I can keep it in check, however, and I don't get annoyed or pissed nearly as easily as I might have 2 or 3 years ago. Now the asshole is trying to screw my mom over financially. He makes 100 grand a year - twice as much as my mom makes. He TOLD me that at one point ... I think he might even make 2 or 3 grand over that. Now he's trying to claim that he only makes 85 or 90 a year. He's trying to push half of my college tuition on my mother when he makes twice as much as she does. The summer after my 7th grade year, we almost completely renovated the 1st level of our house. Then about two years ago we took out the carpeting in the upper level of our house and put in wooden flooring that matches the rest of our house. Finally, about a year ago we finished up the project by adding on a garage, changing the siding on the house, and adding a patio outside of my parents' bedroom. A HUGE portion of the money that my mom inherited when both of her parents died went into these improvments in the house. Now my mom most likely won't get her inheritence back when she sells the house. Because of what my dad did, he had to leave the house. My mom and I couldn't live there with him there anymore. He thought that he could ask for a separation and then still enjoy all of the benefits from living in the same house. My mom doesn't have the money or time to maintain a house designed for 3 or 4 people. She actually moved into the house she's renting today.

That's only a taste of the bullshit that my father has pulled. I don't even understand all of it. The point is this. After about 23 or 24 years of marriage, he quit. He couldn't last long enough to get either myself or my sister through college. This is my sister's last year and my first year. Something Lisa said made me think about this the other night. She said that in Indian culture, divorce is frowned upon; that the parents keep going for the sake of the children. They keep going so the children always have a sanctuary to go to and that they don't have extra stressors in their lives that they shouldn't have to deal with. My father couldn't have picked a worse time to pull this shit. He really couldn't have ...

Now about the breakup... there's only one thing that I can think of that would have had such an effect on me that I would break up with Han. Any takers? That's right ... my dad and all the shit surrounding that issue. When my dad separated from my mom, as I stated before, I was thrown into turmoil. When I get extremely upset, depressed, and such, I alienate myself from everyone. There are very few people who I will talk to about things when I am upset. I talk more than I did my junior year - namely because I didn't have anyone I could talk to my junior year. Han couldn't have done anything different. It wasn't her fault. I don't put any blame on her whatsoever ... and she has full right to be pissed off at me. Luckily we've been able to smooth things over so to speak. But basically I think I alienated myself from Han as well as others. I retreated in to that shell that I know so well.

I don't care what anyone else trys to tell me: I loved Han. I really did. I'd never felt so strongly about anyone in my entire life. I spent the majority of my senior chasing after her. Some might call it fickle love ... or even lust, but I'd have to disagree. The time that I spent with her, as simple as it might have been, were some of the better times I've had in my life - and I can honestly say that I miss them. Even just hanging out downtown annapolis was enjoyable. We really didn't do anything, but the fact that I was with her made it worth it. Don't get me wrong; I don't want to get back together with her. I still care about her in that friend kind of way - a part of my feelings that didn't go away. They just went into the shell, withered, and died. I don't know how else to explain the situation. *shrugs* I know that some people in Han's group have labled me as an utter jackass, which is understandable. My group of friends doesn't exactly like her at all either, though for reasons other than the breakup. Kester actually was a little POed at me about that. She has her own reasons, but I understood. I really didn't mean to hurt her ... one reason why I was going to try to wait out the feelings I was going through. I was acting odd the week between my parents' separation and the breakup. Han wanted to know what was going on with me, and for good reason. I just so happened to be questioning the feelings I had for her, which were still there, but they were in hiding. So I broke it off.

So for now I'm going to see what happens with Han. I'm pretty confident that we'll be able to get at least a quasi-friendship going. Over fall break we were still able to have a 5 hour phone conversation ... something that we used to do all the time - though most of it was online. As for my dad ... I'm not even talking to the bastard. He can go fuck himself for all I care. I don't want anything to do with him.

And that my friends ... is that.